summer shudder

i should really be trying to keep up with this apartment...the place is a mess, and this is my only day off when i've got the entire place to myself....but...but...i've already done 2 loads of laundry!

it's snowing again. just lightly tho, not hard enough to leave any on the ground. i've come to the point of excepting the fact that the white stuff will be here for another few months, so i'd better get used to it. im okay with it. for now.

it's december. and so far, to be completely honest, i hate this entire fucking month. there has been absolutely nothing good about it. everything from the weather, to work, to this apartment..EVERYTHING has gone to shit. im sick of this month. i hate christmas. i hate trying to bring myself to go to the mall. the mall where copious amounts of people are. where children scream and cry, where people stop in the middle of the damn aisle to have a conversation with so-and-so, and where every fucking store seems to jack up their goddamned prices!!! FUCK!

but in 3 weeks, i will be in alberta (which i hate almost equally as much). but unlike the mall, alberta has it's perks. i've got family there. and i miss them terribly, and cant wait to see them. i can get over the cold. 3 weeks, and i will be with some of (but unfortunatly not all) my most loved. 3 weeks. 21 days. and it will be december 25th.

other then that...not much has changed. 2 of the damn fish died. im waiting for the third to croak, but he seems pretty strong. my house feels like and oven...but there is no longer thumpety thump thump upstairs. it smells of cinnamon....i dont know where im going with this.

the washer just finish. and the vacuum is giving me the stare down. and vance will be home in 2 hours. and...and....and.....

love like winter

this is what i wake up to.

and this...this means that it can't be winter yet.

gaaaaahhh!

1. What is your occupation? sandwich artist.
2. What color are your socks right now? black
3. What are you listening to right now? my chemical romance - teenagers
4. What was the last thing that you ate? a pepperoni sandwich. i wanted a cheeseburger. :(
5. Can you drive a stick shift? no, i tried...and then i creid.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? i fucking hate this question. its just asking for an emo answer.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? vancey
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? no :) just kidding. i laaaaaaaa her.
9. How old are you today? 20
10. Favorite drink? juices...pepsi...vodka.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? hockey
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? when HAVENT i dyed my hair?!
13. Pets? jilly, and 9 FISH (we're the fish people.)
14. Favourite food? fucking cheeseburgers. and potatoes.
15. What was the last movie you watched? national treasure
16. Favourite day of the year? first day of summa
17. What do you do to vent anger? yell. usually at someone close to me.
18. What was your favourite toy as a child? i think i was pretty into barbies. i dont remember
19. What is your favourite fall or spring? spring. love love love!
20. Hugs or kisses? hugs from some, kisses from one.
21. Cherries or Blueberries? cherries!
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? no
23. Who is most likely to respond? mama and ninners
24. Who is least likely to respond? everyone else
25. who do you live with? vancey
26. When was the last time you cried? couple nights ago
27. What is on the floor of your closet? a box of vancey's clothes, a bag...guitar...
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? i dont know.
29. What did you do last night? worked, then came home and watched half a movie.
30. Favourite smells? spicey vanilla, fruit..
31. What inspires you? many things
32. What are you afraid of? spiders, bugs..
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? CHEESE!!!!
34. Favourite dog breed? golden retrievers, hound dogs..
35. Number of keys on your key ring? at least 7
36. How many years at your current job(s)? 2 and a half
37. Favourite day of the week? sunday or monday.
38. How many states or provinces have you lived in? just one
39. Favourite holiday? christmas
40. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? no, but i've been on a motorcycle
41. If money was no object, what would you be doing? sitting on a beach somewhere.

affliction

i chose my dress; it'll be here in march.
i love him dearly, i cant wait to be a 'mrs'
we're goiong out tonight, and he wants to 'bust a move'
my back hurts so bad, but im putting on a happy face.
'the black parade' is the best cd ever. track 11.
he screams "im going to eat some of these delicious french fries" from the kitchen. he doesnt mean to.
all my plants died. is this a sign?
its winter.
and the fries are ready.

<3

i'm gonna miss this so bad this weekend....

and hell, you know it ain't worth shit.

it's been a while...

there are moments throughout the day where i forget to breathe, in those few moments, i feel like an imposter in my own life. i stop and realize everything that's happend throughout the last 6 months, and i get so close to tears i want to scream. some of those tears are sorrow, but most are joy. sorrow because there are people i loved with my entire soul, and they are no longer here...and it feels like such a part of me is missing, and i'll never find it. sorrow because there are those i wasted so much of myself on, and i feel foolish for doing it. but joy because i found someone who loves me as much as i love him, and every part of me; every temper-tantrum, every smile, every tear...all of me. joy because after years of turmoil, i have a healthy relationship with members of my family that i never dreamed possible.
(im so emotional right now i feel like i could die).

wedding plans are going along anything but what feels like smoothly. i've had 2 days of it, and already i want to stomp my feet and elope. i cant handle all this planning, and responsibility. but i dont like the thought of someone that doesnt know me planning what is supposed to be the most important day of my life. its off to spokane this weekend for wedding-dress LURKING (no buying). im NOT excited. i can already feel trying on dress after dress is going to make me obscenely cranky. (mom, please bring me some tootsie rolls?)

this is it for now. i just told vancey that his pants are getting tight...he's not a happy boy :) (hehe!)

sleepless

if you're one of those people that look at the time of posts, yes, you are seeing this correctly. it is currently 3:43 a.m. , and i am wide fucking awake. dont ask me why, or how, i just am. i've been trying to sleep since approximately 11:30, but alas, no such luck (as you can see).

i have something bothering me, so for the first time ever, i'll ask those who read this for words of wisdom. here goes.

vance's sister is getting married may 19th, 2007. that's roughly 2 and a half months before us. thats fine with us, and up until recently, i thought it was fine with her, too. apparently, it isnt. she's been calling recently...and every single time she calls, she asks vance the same thing: "are you sure you really want to marry her?" . now being the 'her' in this question, only reinforces the feeling of resentment i get from her (im sure most reading this have heard me relay this encounter, if not, i'll cut it short; she was a bitch, didnt say 2 words to me, and didnt give a shit what i had to say. she gave me the same looks i've given the girlfriends of my brothers when i didnt like them. nickname? the wicked witch of the west.). anyway, so thats fine. i'm all for being a concerned sibling...but at some point, unless given a reason, you need to stop asking that question. i know vance, quite well i like to think, and if he wasnt ready for this, i'd be the first to know.

now this isnt actually whats bothering me. now being the un-married type, im not aware of the exact time length of a honeymoon. i'd assume roughly 2 weeks. well, according to vance's sister (her name is lisa), their's will be 3 months.
yes, you did read that correctly, as well. according to her, their plans are to go to nova scotia to visit the groom's family immediatly after the wedding, then head down south. im sorry, does that take 3 fucking months? so she had the nerve to call and tell vance that tonight. that maybe we should change the date of the wedding AGAIN (it's been done 3 times now, i'll get to that in a minute). am i just being defensive, or is that completely ludacris? she told him she didnt think they'd be back in time, so maybe we should postpone.

fuck that. i wonder if she realizes that we'd orignally planned for june, but then after she changed her date to the end of may, we thought that might be getting a little close to stealing her thunder, and since they were engaged first, and did plan first, i was okay with that. then we decided july, but the reception venue was booked. so that led us to augest 4th. that is the only weekend from the begging of may until the end of september that the room isnt booked. the only one!!

so here's my question. should we postpone our wedding so that his sister can have a 3 month long honeymoon, or attempt to reason with her?

thanx for the help.

my body aches, and it hurts to say 'no one is moving on'

as you can see, i've changed the look of this blog. i got tired of the pink...the layout seemed mildly depressing, and with fall here, and winter not to far, i need something a little happier. know what i mean?

currently im sick. the stuffy-nose-sore-throat-achy-body-runny-nose-nonstop-cough-i-think-im-dying kind of sick. its terrible. i blame my father. last weekened we were out the lake, and sure enough, HE WAS SICK! and now i am. so dad, this is your fault.

not much has changed. if you heard about us moving out to shore acres, plans have changed. the doonya that was going to rent the place to us had a 'falling out' with his parents..and it turns out it was THEIR property, and they didnt want anyone renting on it. see, in my opinion (which is ALWAYS RIGHT), thats something you clear up BEFORE you give the go ahead to people. luckily our landlord is a pretty cool guy, and let us stay here.

what else is new....well, from the last post, the wedding date changed. august 4th now, instead of late july. the place we want the reception was booked..and after input from my mother, having it on a long weekend will make it much easier for people to travel. so august, here we come. plans are coming along slowly...we're dropping off the deposit cheque for the complex today, and then hopefully mom, steph and i will be making a trip to spokane to check out some wedding dresses. im not committing to any dress yet tho; i only want to see what i hate, what i love, and what looks good. hopefully what i love and looks good are cheap :)

anyway, i should get going. we've got a million things to do today, and im nowhere near being ready :) have a good week!

ps- if you're looking for a good new song to listen to, i recommend 'hello, im in delaware' by city and colour (dallas green).

wedding dates.

august 4th, bitches.
thats the date
mark your calenders.

tag.

10 years ago: i was 10 years old.
5 years ago: i was 15. oh, what it would be like to be fifteen again!
1 year ago: i lived with my brother and sister, i was dating a boy that was horrible for/to me, i was working the same job, and very unhappy
Tomorrow: is my nana's funeral, my entire family will be here, and it fills my heart with joy..then breaks it in a million pieces
5 snacks I enjoy: ice cream cake!!, potatoes, cokebottles, panckaes, and fruit.
5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs: mae, beatles, fallout boy, greenday, ashlee simpson!
5 things I'd do with $100,000,000: pay the debts of those i love, buy a house, a car, set up a college fun for future children/miss ainsley, and invest it.
5 locations I'd like to run away to: scotland, italy, thailand, cuba, england.
5 bad habits I have: biting my nails, swearing, being dramatic (is that bad?!), holding grudges, and laziness.
5 things I like doing: sleeping, lounging, being outside when its nice, floating on the lake, and...being with bubs.
5 thing I will never wear: spandex. 'nuf said, that counts as 5
5 TV shows I like: grey anatomy, cosby, gilmore girls, miami ink, desperate housewives
5 movies I like: harry potters, walk the line, lord of the rings, the notebook, and requiem for a dream
5 people I'd like to meet: john lennon, paul mccartney, george harrison, ringo star, and stu sutcliffe. (BET NOBODY KNOWS WHO THE LAST GUY IS!!!)
5 biggest joys at the moment: bubs, sunny fall days, new furniture, warm feet, and the wedding.
5 favorite toys: cell phone, computer, gameboy advance, tide-2-go pen, and...?
5 people tagged: ninners, mama, banana, ains, and grame&kel

i'll cry for my mother.

right now, i cant possibly imagine the pain you are going through, and to be quite honest, i dont want to. i dont want to know the pain of losing a parent, a second parent for that matter. i dont want to know the pain of knowing that things may have been left unsaid, or undone. if i have my way, which im aware chances are i wont, i dont ever want this pain. i dont want to lose you, or dad. i wish i could have you at my side forever, a phone call away for anything i may need. for adivde and guidance, for love and understanding. but i wont, and the thought of that brings tears to my eyes.

so today i'll cry for my mother, because i can see her pain.

in loving memory

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arive
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

the last kiss.

its official.
im getting married
july 28th, 2007.


oh, and im back to work.
starting tomorrow.
thats it :)

dear bubba.

dear bubba,

this will be short, i dont want to bore you (although i know i wouldnt). but i feel like you need to know these things...and since you rarely listen to me when im speaking, i'll assume reading will do much better.

i love you. quite plain and simply. and more then you could ever understand. i know thats unfair to say...and to a degree, i think maybe you do understand, for i hope (well, i know) that you love me just as much, so maybe you do know. either way, you're my best friend, my other half (probably the better), and everything i could want in a man. you've done countless things for me since we've met, things you see, and things others see. you make me want to be a better person, you make me happy.

so always remember, my love, that i will be right behind you, if not beside you, for as long as you'll let me. i'll love you unconditionally, with every ounce of me until i die. i'll never do you wrong, and i'll do my best to never hurt you.

i love you.

love always,
a

domestic.

as if i ever thought it would come to this. apparently i, along with most of you, was very wrong.

my current thoughts are swirling around the tasks i have set out for myself today. obviously, the fact that im writing a blog right now instead of doing any of these things, shows my true procrastinator self in all my glory. i'd be much happier watching the second episode of the cosby show...but alas. i have things to do, some of which i was too lazy to do yesterday...and if i dont do that...they'll just pile higher for tomorrow.

i've become domesticated. i can hardly contain myself. my days are filled with vacuums, magic erasers, laundry soap, dirty dishes, and cooking. who'd have thought? i used to hate all these things. i'd rather spend a day in bed then have to was dishes or clean the toilet...now i find myself doing some of these things everyday.

however, i dont mind. this is my life...and for once, in the last 15 years, im satisfied with it. i dont mind early mornings, and early bed-times. i dont mind spending hours to have a clean house. im happy.

and instead of jealousy and resentment for what i may not deserve, i wish those around me would be happy for me, for what i am now.

only time will tell.

shine, just like it used to

i'm not one to follow trends...but i feel that this a good one. so i'll jump on the 'my family sucks' post, and write one all of my own. if it pisses you...i can't say im particularly sorry about that, but feel free to write a blog about it.

we'll start with my mother. oh mom. you and i never had a great mother-daughter relationship. like we've both agreed, we're too much alike for our own good. we clash on almost every subject, and end up fighting for days. it's how we were. then i grew up. you're right. i've grown up, and changed alot...and you can credit 100% of that to vance. he did. he's the reason why i'm happy, why i have all these plans, and why i want the things i now want. i love my relationship with you over the last 3-4 months. i like having you around to talk about a future wedding, about future children, my goals for the future...al of that. it's nice to have your input, and it's nice to have you keep my grounded; keep me from getting far too caught up in the moment, and just take it step by step.
my father. i'm daddie's little girl. it comes with being the youngest. it also comes along with enjoying a few of the things he does, and doing those things with him. for once i feel like more of a pleasure to him, something be proud of, more then a frustration or disappointment. dad i'm sorry for the things i've done and said to you, and i regret every one of them, probably until i die. but im glad things are the way they are now, and im glad you like vance so much...that you and him can do your own thing, and enjoy spending time with him.
my oldest brother. you're eight years older then me....that right there almost cancels out any chance of us having a close relationship...but perhaps not. i am aware you have a family, and i love them...you've got a beautiful baby girl that makes my heart aches (oh, you don't even know what that little girl has done for me), and a wife that has the same sense of humor as me. im proud of what you are, i couldn't ask for anything better...and i know you'll be there for me if i need you. i don't need a confirmation of that...i just know. im happy that you are happy...i love you.
my youngest brother: i wont even talk about you. you completely baffle me...you've made your bed, now lie in it. im not as forgiving as the rest of this family, and you're aware of that. i wish you nothing but happiness. but just for you.
last but not least. my sister. you've got a habit of playing me off as the villain. you are no victim, stephanie. you fail to include the things you say to me, which are equally hurtful. don't you dare for one minute make me out to be the bad one. you're just as mean. you fail to remember that i offered you a place to live, RENT FREE, on one condition. and you may tell the story as vance and i viciously kicked you out, that is not the entire truth. yes. we did kick you out. we gave you a choice. you could help out with bills or groceries...or we wanted you out. the condition of living RENT FREE was you were to be saving money for your own place..something i knew very well you were not. so for not holding up your end of the agreement, we asked you to leave. im sorry things came to that...but when it comes down to the fact of things, you were putting a rather large strain on my relationship...and not to choose someone over family, i needed to be happy with him. he's the reason why im still here...why i haven't ran for the nearest bridge, or why i have swallowed a bottle of pills. so yes, any means necessary, i will be happy with him. you say i use you, and i say its the complete opposite. the last 2 times i hung out with you, it was because darcy was at work, and you didn't want to sit at home alone...or you had zero money, and wanted something. that hurts...but i wont mention it. and i'll admit...i don't call you when vance is home. im happy at home with him. but those times, you called me. and only for those reasons. (god i wish you'd stop playing the victim). if i seem to make you this unhappy, then do the same thing jeff has. disown me, cut me off, whatever you need to do to help yourself sleep at night. i would much rather not have to deal with you, then have to wake up to this bullshit. i'll make the decision for you; until you can realize what i was to you, you don't need to call me. i sure as hell wont be calling you for anything, do the same favor to yourself. but remember...this does break my heart. you were my best friend and confidant (although not everything was held in such regards) for a very long time. but alas, things, people rather, change.

as for the jealousy issues concerning vance and darcy...the two of you have no one to blame but yourselves. vance and i spent the better part of augest at the lake with mom and dad...and vance and dad happen to have alot in common. vance doesn't shy away from them, and is eager to jump in on whatever is going on around him. thats not darcy's personality, or he's not comfortable....thats no one's problem except for those it bothers.

heartbreaker

I keep thinkin' bout that little sparkle in your eye

Is it a light from the angels, or your devil deep inside?

What about the way you say you love me all the time

Are you liftin' me up to heaven, just to drop me down the line?

There's a ring around my finger,

But will you change your mind?

And you tell me that I'm beautiful,

But that could be a lie

Are you a heartbreaker?

Maybe you want me for the ride

What if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker?

And everything is just a lie

I won't be leavin' here alive

I won't be leavin' here alive, no

Temporary happiness is like waiting for the knife

Cause I'm always watchin' for someone to show their darker side

So maybe I'll sit back and just enjoy all this for now

Watch it all play out, see if you really stick around

But there's always this one question

That keeps me up at night

Are you my greatest love

Or disappointment in my life?

Are you a heartbreaker?

Maybe you want me for the ride

What if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker?

And everything is just a lie

I won't be leavin' here alive

I might as well lay down and die

I'm holding on with both hands and both feet, oh

Promise that you won't pull the rug out from under me

Are you a heartbreaker?

Maybe you want me for the ride

I pray to god you're not a heartbreaker

This time around I won't survive

Cause if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker

And everything is just a lie

I won't be leavin' here alive

I might as well lay down and die, oh

I won't be leavin' here alive