bubbly

its been so long. i think i know why.

theres been a million times that i have wanted to post...and i think about it, in my head. what i would write...what i would say. and then i just feel like its not relevent. so i dont. and then 5 months goes by without a word.

so right now, my exboyfriend asks me for advice.
and its awkward.
i dont love him. i do. i love him, but as in he was my first love. the one that taught me love. i love him for that. not romantically.
but he asks me. and i do my best to tell him,
and i dont know how i like this situation.


and theres you. your leaving. i'll miss you. your like, my bff. we wont talk about this. its a touchy subject. you laugh, i get sad. you get sad. people dont understand.

everything consumes me.

i want to live healthier. i want to do yoga. i need to relax, and take control. i need organization. stability. i know these things take time, i have the patience.

i dont know that i have the determination or focus for any of that.
but the thought is nice.

the patron saint of liars and fakes.

i need to know that this too, shall pass.
that there is a happy ending after all of this.
that only him and i matter.
i need to know that this feeling i have
this heavy weight that is suffacating me will be lifted
that i have been through worse.
that we're so much better then this.

all i can do is breathe.

black lines to battlefields

dear you,

for a moment you fooled me. i thought perhaps i was wrong; i was being the vindictive one. i was being dramatic, and i was too quick to dislike you. for a moment, i thought maybe everyone around me was right. it was just me.

thank you for proving me wrong.

i want you to realize, without this sounding to harsh (although i dont care if it does), that the things you are doing now will effect our relationship for the rest of your life. the words you say, and the actions you take right now will hang over your head forever. dont believe me? give me 5 years. ask me why then, refer to this day. oh, and go fuck yourself.


dear you,

thank you for everything. for listening to me. for planning this, for being strong when i wasnt. for reminding what the ultimate goal of all this is. that in 25 days, no one else will matter. for being my rock(s), for loving me unconditionally, finally seeing the light (haha, told you so). for being you, thank you is not enough. you' never know how much this means to me, no amount of words or thank you's will ever make you see it. but i'll keep saying it anyway, and do my best to show my appreciation.

love always,
a

a little's enough.

i'll refuse to let you make me feel bad about where i am.
and what im experiancing while im here
and the things im doing.
because you're not.

you say it isnt fair to you that you dont get what you want.
when it seems so simple to you.
and maybe it is.

and its bullshit to condemn me for posting pictures for you.
i dont post them here for me.
i can go into a folder and look.
i post them so you have one less reason to be upset about.
not because i want to.

so the next time im feeling generous.
i'll remember.